By Andy, founder
The first message is the bit most people worry about. You find someone nice on Go Derby Dating, type "Hi", delete it, try something else, and end up sending nothing at all. The good news is that a first message doesn't need to be clever. It just needs to show you've read their profile and give them something easy to answer. Here's what works.
Read their profile first
The best openers come straight from the other person's profile. Look for something specific: a walk they love, a hobby, a photo of their dog, the kind of thing they're hoping to find. Mentioning it shows you're interested in them as a person, not just their photo.
Shared interests are the easiest way in, so it pays to fill in your own profile properly too. My tips on writing a dating profile that gets replies cover that side of things.
Ask one easy question
A question gives them something to reply to. Keep it to one, and make it something they'll enjoy answering.
- "I see you love Dovedale. Have you ever crossed the stepping stones in winter?"
- "Your photo in Darley Park made me smile. Is that your regular dog walk?"
- "You mentioned you're getting into cooking. What's the best thing you've made so far?"
Questions about the things they enjoy beat questions about their job or why they're single, every time.
Keep it short and friendly
Two or three lines is plenty. A long first message can feel like a lot to live up to, and it doesn't leave much for the next reply. Say hello, mention what caught your eye and ask your question. That's it.
Use their name if it's on their profile, and write the way you'd chat to someone friendly in the queue at a café. Warm and natural, nothing forced.
What to avoid
- Just "Hi". It's polite, but it gives them nothing to work with.
- Compliments about looks alone. A kind word is fine, but lead with something about them as a person.
- Copy and paste messages. People can tell, and they rarely get a reply.
- Heavy topics straight away. Past relationships, money and politics can all wait.
- Asking for a number in your first message. Chat for a while first. Keeping the conversation on Go Derby Dating also keeps our safety tools working for you, as my guide to dating safely explains.
If you don't hear back
It happens to everyone, and it's rarely personal. People are busy, some don't log in every day, and sometimes it simply isn't the right match. Give it a few days, then let it go and say hello to someone else. There's no need for a string of reminders...one friendly message is enough.
Free members can send a limited number of messages each day, so it's worth making each one count. A thoughtful note to two or three people usually does far better than a quick "Hi" to twenty.
From messages to meeting
Once the conversation is flowing, there's no rush, but when you both feel ready, suggest something simple and specific: "Fancy a coffee and a walk round Markeaton Park on Saturday morning?" A clear plan with a natural end point is easy to say yes to, and a quick video call beforehand helps settle the nerves. For more inspiration, have a look at my first date ideas in Derby, or see who's near you and send that first hello today.
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